I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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