I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
