I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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