a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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