i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
