so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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