Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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