When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
