Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
