CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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