I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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