There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
