I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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