I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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