i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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