My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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