I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
