You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
