Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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