Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Randomize
