Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
