She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
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