i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I will pee on everything he values.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
