Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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