I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
