I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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