it hurts more in the daytime
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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