I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
she peed on how many people?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
