I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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