Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
