Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
