I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
