I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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