I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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