I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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