Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Little spoons don't ask big questions
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
