it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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