Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I need to align my fucking chakras
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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