fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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