remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
