Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
