On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
