i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
