bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Randomize
