hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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