The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
