Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
