i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
