Have you finally orgasmed yet?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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