So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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