my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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