Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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